One Last Hurrah

It may seem strange to begin telling a story with the ending, but I'm not the first ever to do it.  Basically, my husband and I are expecting our fourth child this November.  While four children may not seem like a whole lot to some (my husband is numero quatro of a dozen children), four is definitely enough for me.  Don't get me wrong--I'm not counting my chickens, just my blessings.  I have been blessed so far with three beautiful children:  Olivia, age 8; Owen, who is almost 7; and Kaden, who is just over 1 year old.  All three are the absolute apples of both my eyes.  I have thoroughly enjoyed each pregnancy, and am enjoying watching each of our children grow.

It's just...

I can't see life after round-the-clock feedings, diaper changes, tantrums, and potty training.  It's not that I don't savor the moments.  Just like anyone else, we have good days and not-so-good days.  I just can't wait to take my kids to places we've never visited, and to experience life with them without feeling tethered to anything... or trapped, to be perfectly transparent.  I do enjoy many days holding my babies, feeding them, watching them sleep and explore and play.  I also look forward to the age when they need me *just* a little less.  The age of portability, if you will.

I've always been a bit of a wanderer, a free spirit.  I never imagined that I would live this kind of  conventional, family life.  I never imagined myself as a stay-at-home-mom raising four kids.  Not that I didn't want it---I just didn't spend a whole lot of time daydreaming about real life as a child.  I spent most of my time in the clouds, fantasizing about floating through space or visiting foreign lands.  Perhaps I was always meant to be a writer.

My husband loves children, and deep down I wonder if he would keep me pregnant so that he would always have a baby to cuddle with.  I actually love that about him.  He is a really great dad.  However, I am afraid to have more children than we can fit in our house, in a fuel-efficient vehicle, or in a hotel room. I fear having more children than we can afford to care for and love properly.  In the spirit of keeping it "one hundred," I fear not being enough for my kids and my family as a whole.  There's a lot of stuff I'm working out in my head and in my heart.  In the meantime, I am content to be carrying my fourth child, and enjoying this last hurrah.

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